Aries (The Ram) ♈ Mar. 21–Apr. 19: 2016 holds more of the same for you - "borrowing" other people's IVs, throwing publicly-accessible data at them, and churning out more working papers than anyone. Who cares if 4 out of 5 get desk rejected? You'll get there eventually. Keep it up and try some single-referee journals.
Taurus (The Bull) ♉ Apr. 20–May 20: No one believes your analysis but because the findings are politically correct, you still get published. In 2016, you'll go too far and finally meet your match. As Zvi said at 64, "You don't understand. it was my FIRST rejection."
Gemini (The Twins) ♊ May 21–June 21: As a twin you are always with others, never alone. Your inability to publish solo work leads you to stalk new APs and even grad students you've never met but who have cool datasets in hopes of finding papers to attach your name to. There's a folder on your office door with a label "will provide feedback in 24 hours" but what you're really saying is let-me-be-your-coauthor
Cancer (The Crab) ♋ June 22–July 22. You've put on a nice face for half a dozen years, but now that you have tenure it's time to let your true self show in 2016. Time to start whining about everything from the seminar lineup to teaching loads - publicly and on email. No longer do you have to type up anonymous half-page rants and tape them to the office fridge.
Leo (The Lion) ♌ July 23–Aug. 22: You fancy yourself the states(wo)man, but everyone knows you only take on administrative responsibilities to get out of teaching those hateful MBAs. In 2016, be sure to send near-daily update emails detailing how much easier you've made everyone's lives. Your colleagues especially love those same-day triple followups!
Virgo (The Virgin) ♍ Aug. 23–Sept. 22: 2015 brought no prospects and sadly 2016's not looking any better. Sorry bro.
Libra (The Balance) ♎ Sept. 23–Oct. 23: Your inner narrative is that you don't engage in sizzle for its own sake, but your continued repudiation of cutenomics dooms you to a career of posting in low field journals. In 2016, you realize your mistake, learn the Jedi art of fabricating "confidential" data, and finally place in a top 5. Well done.
Scorpio (The Scorpion) ♏ Oct. 24–Nov. 21: You peaked in 2015 with a scathing 8-page single-spaced report that trashed the paper's framing and empirics as well as the author's personal integrity. Sadly, your anonymous refereeing efforts go unheralded by all except your close colleagues to whom you forward the nastiest of them. But in 2016, you will err when a grad-school colleague's paper is sent to you, and you send her your nastygram report with LJLs attached.
Sagittarius (The Archer) ♐ Nov. 22–Dec. 21: Convinced you can scoot through the PhD program in 4 years like your cousin in a VLRM anthro department, in 2016 you hit the wall when you, your bank account, and four hungry mouths to feed realize it's simply going to take 7 years and you can't live on the stipend. Exit stage Industry.
Capricorn (The Goat) ♑ Dec. 22–Jan. 19: in 2015 they made you department chair, you thought because you were the greatest.of.all.time. But your senior search failed, the dean yanked the line, and everyone blames you. In 2016, you'll go door to door, hat in hand, begging your colleagues to take on the extra responsibilities that would have been shoved onto a new senior hire.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer) ♒ Jan. 20–Feb. 18: You've proved your willingness to say anything for a price. But the expert-witness jig is up in 2016 when the Cornerstone kids literally write your entire expert report and you get caught in a panopoly of ignorance and revisionism in your deposition. Good thing the transcript is